Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.