Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

When someone trying to leave me

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.