Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.