Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.