Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

what the

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation