Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*