Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier