Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Breaking news:
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
