Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
He instantly became one of the bros
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?