Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.