Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection