Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.