Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice