Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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Dietest Coke
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
wish me luck lads
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar