Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Its true…

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body