Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
You Might Also Like
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My love language is hissing.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.