Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
This kid is a star!
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities