Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
You Might Also Like
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.