Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Good morning!

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

What the hell happened here.

first you must answer his riddles

#growingpains

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it