Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

*limbos under the caution tape

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

incredible

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me: