Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Just how popey was the pope today?

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

I try

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them