Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
You Might Also Like
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
the answer was staring at me all along
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
my first dose meeting my second