Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.