Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Tell me you get it…🤣

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*