KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream