Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

I think this might be relevant today.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*