KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
You Might Also Like
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Zack Greinke stories are the best
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.