Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.