Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

How can I say no to this ?

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

wtf is a larm clock?

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.