[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Vodka burrito was a success
I’m going to need a moment here.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
My wife gives the best headache.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!