Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”
(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea