KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
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AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
SCARY COSTUME
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Love this guy
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?