KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly