Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Jupiter

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.