KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Proctologist = Analyst