Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

road rage