KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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an octopus is just a wet spider
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.