Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

Worst bar ever.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.