KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again