Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

starting a garage orchestra

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.