Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids