Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I like donuts.

Twitter:

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.