[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”