Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive