Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

just gave your address to some spiders

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.