Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

When you’re here for the treats.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.