Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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nature’s most graceful animal
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.