Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

◾️

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”