Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
You Might Also Like
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour