Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.