Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

doing some research

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

My new favorite headline

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice