kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I hate my earbuds.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.