The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
nyc:
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Never ghost your hitman.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.