KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

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Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren’t in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.


My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.


My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.


I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.


I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.


Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ


GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*


I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger


Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.


AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u