Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
October already? What’s next? November????
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
