Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
me as a parent
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
#Caturday
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
