Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

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If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”