kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.