kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Milk Cube
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Every BBC series about the universe.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.