kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.