Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.