Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

OKAY DAD

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host