kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
sry
