kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.