kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
You Might Also Like
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I love twitter
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*