kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Love this one 😂🧟
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Breaking news:
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!