Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

FRED: right

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️