Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

moms in horror movies

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

The news in a nutshell.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator