Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

San Francisco has too many rules

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.