Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

I could NOT have put it better myself.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us