Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.