kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS