Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Nose

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Spider-cat: No One Home

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.