kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay