Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

Hot Hot Hot

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

paddle faster i hear baby shark

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO