Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.